Not a Defect, a Feature! Apple’s Secret Plan Revealed!
As the world waits in anticipation of Apple’s iPhone 4 press conference on Friday, speculation about what the company may announce is running wild. Certainly, the iPhone 4 has a few unusual behaviors — what some have called “flaws” or technical issues — so it’s widely assumed that Apple will be providing details Friday about how it will remedy the situation. However, I believe there is another possibility. A secret plan is about to unfold that will shock the world, and I have discovered exactly what it is!
Before I spoil Apple’s surprise, let’s consider the nature of these so-called flaws in the iPhone 4. The first and most commonly discussed is the antenna or signal “issue” that appears when holding the iPhone in your hand. It has been reported that wrapping one’s fingers around the phone — as is required to hold the phone during a call — will cause it to lose reception. The other common complaint is about the proximity sensor that is supposed to deactivate the iPhone 4 while it’s held to the user’s ear during a call. Many are saying that this “malfunction” makes it difficult to talk on the iPhone 4 without accidentally pressing buttons on the screen.
Knowing full well that Apple could not release a product with flaws of this nature, it’s only reasonable to assume that Friday’s press conference has been scheduled to announce the true reason why the iPhone 4 behaves in these ways. That reason, I have deduced, has been a secret plot by Apple to protect its loyal customers from the risk of cancer caused by talking on a cell phone.
Don’t believe me? Think about it —
If you can’t hold the iPhone 4 in your hand while talking, and if holding it to your head results in face-dialing complications and often accidentally hanging up, then it only makes sense to believe Apple must have a reason for designing a phone that resists the user’s attempts to make handheld calls! With a long history of progressive company policies and environmentally friendly designs, it seems entirely possible that Apple has decided to rid the world of this danger once and for all!
Still not convinced? Consider the “Bumper Case” Apple designed for the iPhone 4. Aside from the fact that no previous (cancer-causing) iPhone had a special Apple-designed case, this “bumper” is strikingly similar in design and material to the Livestrong bracelet… one of the most recognizable icons in the battle against cancer! Isn’t it obvious? Like Leonardo Da Vinci himself, Steve Jobs has hidden secrets in his designs regarding the ultimate truth — a truth he will unveil on a shocked and appreciative world this Friday!
We Apple fans may now rest easy. Apple has delivered a major blow to the cancer-causing primitive cell phones of yesterday and made the world a safer place. Join me in breathing a sign of relief that the iPhone 4 we so eagerly purchased on the first day, after waiting hours in line, is not a defective product at all. It’s a visionary product — and every time you use FaceTime instead of actually holding the phone to your head, be proud!
We Apple fans know that this, or an equally world-changing announcement, must be in the plans for Friday. We believe this because we’re absolutely certain that Apple would not sell us, their loyal early adopters, a defective iPhone and then ignore our cries for help. They must have a very good reason…