The Worst Movies I’ve Ever Seen
What you’re about to read is a top ten list. Or, rather, a bottom ten list. These are the worst movies I’ve ever seen. That is not to say that there aren’t worse movies out there. I just haven’t seen those worse movies because I never felt the need to subject myself to the likes of Glitter or Gigli or anything Uwe Boll has ever made. This is also not a list of movies that are so bad that they’re actually funny (Troll 2, The Room, Street Fighter, etc.). These are just bad.This list is a warning. DO NOT WATCH THESE MOVIES, THEY ARE NOT FUNNY, THEY ARE JUST BAD. So, in no particular order…
10. Dreamcatcher (2003)
Dreamcatcher is about four friends who go to a cabin in the woods and are attacked by aliens… but one of the aliens is good and used to be a mentally challenged kid they knew when they were young… but Morgan Freeman is a douche… and… fuck it. Maybe the Stephen King book this was based on was good (I never read it) but this movie was simply awful.
9. Spider-Man 3 (2007)
Come on, you all knew this would be on the list. Spider-man 3 probably gets such a horrible reputation because of the hype behind it and the fact that the first two (much like the X-Men franchise) were such great examples of how well comic books can be translated to the big screen and the third film was just… a huge departure from that. In a bad way. The special effects (Spider-Man swinging around mostly) are superb and they almost save the film from the crushing horribleness of the emo-Peter dance scene and the disgustingly bad plot and dialogue and acting… Yeah, it’s not good.
8. Garfield (2004) / Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties (2006)
The Garfield movies were truly awful. They really should never have been released. And I say that as a guy who truly appreciates just how awesome Bill Murray is in pretty much everything else he has ever done ever. But no. Garfield the movie is bad. The comic strip? Delightful. The old cartoon show? Not bad. The internet meme? Brilliant. But the movie was just an attempt to capitalize on the success of Scooby Doo… which was also not good. I can’t imagine who decided an imitation of a bad idea would be a good idea. That’s not even logic. That’s… unreasonable.
7. Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997)
The first Speed was okay. It definitely didn’t need a sequel. Speed 2 is so bad that Keanu Reeves isn’t even in it! Keanu freakin’ Reeves saw the script and thought to himself “wait, a cruise ship is out of control?… is that… is that an issue?… is that even exciting?” Well Keanu opted out because this movie is even worse in execution than it is in concept.
6. Disaster Movie (2008)
Disaster Movie is much like Snakes on a Plane in that it delivers exactly what its title implies: an unmitigated disaster on film. There is pretty much nothing redeemable about it. I’ve actually seen most of the “spoof” movies released since 2000s Scary Movie (Scary Movie, Scary Movie 2, 3, 4, Superhero Movie, Meet The Spartans, Epic Movie, Stan Helsing) and this is easily the most unwatchable of that whole list (you may notice I excluded one of the spoofs which you will see later in the list). Every single time I see one of these movies, I wonder what the fuck is going on in hollywood.
5. Freddy Got Fingered (2001)
2001 was a year when bad things happened. We all know what I’m talking about… this movie. The fact that someone actually pitched this movie to someone else and wasn’t immediately punched in the face is a travesty. The fact that it was actually released is simply disgusting. No one should ever see this. No one.
4. Date Movie (2006)
Date movie is one spoof movie actually worse than Disaster Movie. I never do this on general principle, but I actually walked out of the theater while watching Date Movie. I left, got myself a slice of pizza, ate it, and then came back (purely to get my friends who were still in the theater). So I guess this is sort of me cheating on the list since I never watched Date Movie all the way through but… fuck it. It’s bad.
3. The Happening (2008)
Please read my M. Night Shyamalan rant for an explanation of how bad The Happening is because it’s not even worth a copy/paste on my part. No redeeming qualities. At all.
2. The Last Airbender (2010)
Ditto for The Last Airbender. It suuuuuuuuuuucks.
1. Catwoman (2004)
Catwoman is horrible. Nothing about it is good. You know what makes it the worst movie I’ve ever seen? Beyond the bad acting, the bad writing, the bad directing, and everything else just wrong with this movie… the name is what really offends me. Yes, I said “offends.” Why? Because Catwoman (aka Selina Kyle, the comic book character and Batman “villain”) is a brilliant and iconic character who just had everything she stands for shit all over by Halle Berry despite the movie actually having nothing at all to do with the comic book character. Now you might say that I should blame the writer, the director, the studio or a myriad of other sources responsible for this train wreck but I choose to blame Halle because she’s an oscar-winning actress and she’s (I assume) literate enough to know that this movie was a really bad idea.
So, there you have it. A long list of movies you should never watch. I imagine they will be used as torture devices in the near future.