Dear Internet… House Elves.

Dear Internet… I imagine this post is gonna get some backlash. Likely from non-regular readers (since we don’t have any of those). I’m about to say something that’s gonna piss a lot of people off (if they read this, which they won’t). So here goes: Harry Potter doesn’t make any goddamn sense. Why? House elves.

This is a house elf.

See, it all started when I was watching the latest Harry Potter movie. I was sitting there in the theater as (I swear to god if someone says something about spoilers I’m gonna e-slap them because the goddamn books tell you the whole fucking plot so if you still don’t know what I’m about to say, you’re probably not a fan of the series anyway) Dobby rescued the retarded wizards (including Harry, Ron, and Hermione… who still has the stupidest name ever despite being hot), from a dungeon.

None of the wizards could apparate (teleport) out of the magically-protected dungeon. Dobby (the house elf), could. Not only could he teleport wherever the fuck he wanted to, he could take other people with him. Why? Was he a special elf? No, all house elves have these abilities.

What’s more, Dobby (and all other house elves), has the ability to make things float, curse objects (like the bludger that chased Harry around  on a murderous rampage in the second movie, almost killing him), and shoot blasts of super powerful magic.

All while wearing a dirty pillow case!

Just so we’re clear, before I get into this argument, I have in fact actually researched the following points on a Harry Potter Wiki site and I read the first four books (then the movies came out and I’m super cool so I said “fuck reading”).

So here it is… What the fuck? Harry Potter and the rest of the wizarding world have been in a war with the evil Lord Voldemort, all while super powered midgets are running around being mostly useless? I’m not even gonna get started on the finer points of a wizarding war in the Harry Potter universe and why THOSE don’t make sense (like why not get the regular humans involved if wizards are as susceptible to bullets and stab wounds as I’m sure they are? OR why the fuck does Voldemort have a freaking small army at his command while the good guys just run around hoping not to die?). For the sake of this argument, I’ll assume this whole thing has to go down totally stealth.

So why not get the house elves involved? House elves are super powerful and don’t need wands. Can they cast complex spells? No. Can they carry a freaking knife? Yes. So you have these stealthy little fucks who can BAMF everywhere quieter than nightcrawler (yes, I went X-Men on you) and they’re as adorable as DJ Qualls so no one (other than Helena Bonham Carter) would even want to kill them anyway. And no one (NO ONE) even thinks of using them in a MAGICAL WAR?!

Seen here: DJ Qualls, mankind's last, best hope.

Why wouldn’t you use them? Hell, if they can’t cast death spells, and don’t wanna carry knives, they could at least TRANSPORT wizards who can and will! Why is this such a big deal? Because it’s a plot hole. Are there bigger Harry Potter plot holes I could concern myself with? Yeah, probably. But this is the one that took me out of the movie. This is the one that fucked everything up.

Now, some of you might say that I’m wrong. That there’s might not even be enough house elves to turn the tide of battle. Well, you’re wrong. From what I gather, there are more than enough of these little bastards to form an ENTIRE SLAVE WORKFORCE INFRASTRUCTURE FOR THE WHOLE MAGICAL WORLD. In other words, yeah there are a lot of them. And they’re slaves. So they have to do whatever their masters tell them to do. Including forming an army to defeat someone billed as the greatest threat to life there ever was. And that’s assuming they have to be COAXED into that.

Brief aside: why the fuck are they slaves anyway? I mean, how does that even make sense? Dobby, who’s free, repeatedly shoots his former master across whole rooms with a single thought and has the capacity to teleport anywhere at any time. That’s a force to be reckoned with! You don’t keep that in your house, beat it up, take its clothes, and make it do your dishes!

So… Dear Internet… Harry Potter is stupid. There. I said it.

One Response to “Dear Internet… House Elves.”
  1. Joey Hallett says:

    Awesome web site you have here btw

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