The Academy Is…Incapable


The Oscar nominations came out today, and although there were some egregious snubs (Christopher Nolan, Ryan Gosling), the Academy fairly assessed the competition.  But now that they took away our chance to protest, let’s look to the future and criticize them for not selecting Toy Story 3 for Best Picture.  Despite the fact that it is as deserving, if not more deserving than the other movies, the chances that it will win are EXTREMELY slim.  Due to the fact that ten films are now nominated, Pixar gets their win every year just by virtue of the nomination.  The Academy likes to pretend that it is sophisticated, as evidenced by the British period piece The King’s Speech’s leading 12 nominations.  Here, the Samataro Bros. bring you the criteria necessary for an animated Best Picture winner.

1. The animated film will have to have TWICE the amount of tear-jerkiness as Toy Story 3, but only in that old Pixar happy-sad way.  So, watching Ellie slowly die in Up: not okay; watching the Toy Story toys repeatedly accept their death as inevitable only to be saved moments after: Oscar-worthy.

2. The crop of films for that Oscar calendar year will have to be monumentally weak.  Say, five of the ten films are just kind of average, and of the other four films, one is nominated because a good actor is in it, one is the best comic-book action movie, one gains so much buzz that it just dies right before the Oscars (ala Up in the Air), and the other two films are so similar they cancel each other out.

3. The animated movie somehow has a Heath Ledger-like moment tied to it.

It does not necessarily have to be the death of the main voice actor that turns his or her performance from amazing to once-in-a-lifetime.  It could be as simple as a Sandra Bullock-Jesse James divorce.

4. If all else fails, the movie could get a gay marriage ban lifted in some state or something.

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