The Fever Is Coming

We all know the world is a mess.  It has been for some time now.  The political situation in the middle east is a nightmare.  China is on the rise, and America is insecure about its own place in the world, no longer being the global hegemonic force it once was.  There are natural disasters and genocides everywhere you turn.I don’t think it will come as a complete shock when I tell you that the world is about to end.

Now I know what you’re wondering — “do you have any facts to support such a prediction?”  Of course not.  If being an arrogant blogger that thinks the world is always about to be destroyed by other people who are far dumber than himself requires a shred of evidence, then clearly I missed a very important memo.

And I’m sure the second thing your wondering is how the world is going to end, am I right?  Well, you should be wondering that.  And now that you are, I’ll tell you.  The world will end by the hand of the most powerful force in all the world — not the terrorists, not the warlords, not the famine, disease, or natural disasters — I am talking, of course, about Justin Bieber.

Commonly known as Bieber Fever, the out-of-proportion obsession for kinda catchy pop music with generic, forgettable lyrics sung by an effeminate looking young man with a flawless haircut  is sweeping the world at an alarming rate.  Currently, it is believed (by me, based on no mathematical or sociopolitical data whatsoever) that 96% of the population is already feeling at least the early onset of the fever.

For the sake of science, let’s define Variable J.  Variable J is Justin Bieber being, well, Justin Bieber.  The very same Justin Bieber character that we’ve watched grow from an adorable young boy to a giant marketing tool.

Theoretically, the world could continue spinning at some sort of precarious equilibrium so long as Variable J stays constant.  Basically, Bieber keeps prancing around, and the world reacts as it has been reacting for some time now — young girls loose their minds.  Young boys get insanely jealous, but pretend he’s cool so they can dress like him in an attempt to capture young girls’ hearts (with which they have no idea what to do.)  Creepy old men get way too into the whole thing, and normal middle aged men are left to scratch their heads and try desperately to understand what exactly is happening to formerly intelligent and rational people.

But all is not well in wonderland, friends — Variable J is changing, and the situation is becoming unstable.

Justin Bieber has been spotted with (get this) a girl his own age!  A famous one at that!  (Don’t believe me?  Check it out:

From here on out, we will refer to that situation as the Selena Gomez factor (or the SG factor for short.)

But that’s not all!  Patient 0 himself flipped off reporters on his birthday (see here: and later freaked out at the Israeli paparazzi during a trip to the holy land (as seen here:  

I can’t tell you precisely what  percentage change we can expect to see in Variable J in the coming months.  I can, however, continue to make unsubstantiated assumptions.  In the interest of science, I shall do so now.  You’re welcome!

Whatever number Variable J is at now, there’s no question that the number got a major kick in the teeth from the various paparazzi run-ins.  Multiply that sum by the SG factor, and what do you get?  A very different number.  That’s just physics.

If Variable J drops low enough, The Biebs will enter what’s known colloquially in most scientific communities as the the Cyrus range (thanks Miley.)  That’s when a talented young entertainer goes from giving we, the loving fans, nothing to fault him or her for other than their talent and success, to actually being a total waste of human genetic parts.

Is Justin there yet?  Of course not.  If America came up with the Achy Breaky Heart spawn and Canada produced the fever, I hate to say it, but well played Canada.  For now, Justin Beiber is acting like, well, a kid.  If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that’s pretty human of him.

Luckily, I do know better.  Check back to this site for any word on vaccinations for the Fever.  In the mean time, remember to take high doses of bad-ass rock music straight to the cranium and try to avoid any catchy dance clubs.  Stay safe, stay informed, stay Bieber-free.

4 Responses to “The Fever Is Coming”
  1. sportsattitudes says:

    Biebs apparently can play hoops, so while I will abstain from listening to his music or his screaming fans, I do wish him well.

    • Alex Horowitz says:

      Sorry this took me so long to respond to. Couldn’t agree more — I’m not a huge fan of his music, but heavy-handed satire aside, he’s a kid — I wish him the best, and hope he turns out to be a good man. Glad to hear he can play hoops!

  2. Viva Keever says:

    I needed to read through this post twice since it was interesting! beautiful expression, a admittedly beneficial article. Thank you. I follow your site to wish you continued success.

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